


What Would Be Enough?

by convolutings



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x18 Promo, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Alec uses a lot of emphasis when he speaks, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bad Parent Asmodeus, Break Up, Episode: s03ep17 Heavenly Fire, Episode: s03ep18 The Beast Within, Gen, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Head of the Institute Alec Lightwood, Heartbreak, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane has depression, Malec, Mental Breakdown, POV Alec Lightwood, POV Isabelle Lightwood, Parabatai, Past Internalized Homophobia Mentioned, Post-Break Up, Predictions, Sibling Love, Things I wish won't actually happen, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-07 15:22:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18413366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/convolutings/pseuds/convolutings
Summary: After Asmodeus's ultimatum, Alec has to make a choice. But what if that choice leads to unintended revelations?What would it look like if Alec says “yes”?Prompt based on the 3x18 promo (spoilers)





	What Would Be Enough?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time writing fanfiction!  
> Sorry I've edited it like a million times after posting. Yay for OCD!

After Asmodeus’s ultimatum, Alec was left speechless. What kind of ultimatum was this? What kind of father would wish this kind of pain on their own son?

Alec thought of the pain he saw behind Magnus’s eyes. The trembling body he had held as he broke down on the night he had been planning to propose. The words he had said that broke Alec’s heart. Magnus's body curled up under the sheets for the past week, the depression consuming him. It only took him those few seconds to decide. He looked Asmodeus straight in the eyes and answered, “yes.”

Asmodeus blinked, surprised that Alec would actually choose to break up with his son, just to give him his magic back. Then he smirked, happy that he had won. The only thing Alec asked was to give Magnus his magic and immortality back first since Asmodeus was the one more likely to break his side of the deal. Asmodeus readily accepted this condition and then warned Alec that if he were to negate his side of the deal, there would be consequences and hell to pay.

Alec walked outside, shaken to his core from what he had just agreed to do. He decided to go for a long walk around the city, knowing that Asmodeus was probably on his way to Magnus right now. That he was arriving in the alley behind Hunter’s Moon where he knew Magnus would be, sulking with a drink in his hand. That right about now Asmodeus was probably making up some bullshit excuse about why he was giving him his magic back, and Magnus would be agreeing without hesitation, not even caring about the reason. Willing to agree or accept anything just to get his magic and immortality back.

Alec didn’t know how long it would be until Magnus would call him, elated to tell him the incredible news. So he just sat on a bench and contemplated how to break up with the love of his life. How to break up with the man he had imagined marrying, having kids with, and being with until he died. He put his head between his knees and his hands over his eyes trying to remember how to breathe.

It felt like it had been hours, but he didn’t know how long it had actually been when his phone rang. He picked up and could feel the happiness emanating from Magnus, and almost see the smile that he was sure was plastered on his face. All just from the way he breathed. Magnus started talking fast, but Alec’s mind was already too blurry to fully process what Magnus was actually saying. All he was able to understand was Magnus telling him an address to meet him at as soon as possible.

Alec pulled himself off the bench and started walking to where Magnus told him to meet. Every step was harder to take as he knew that he was walking towards what would be the worst day of his life. Worse than the day Magnus had collapsed in his arms because this time he knew there was no waking up from this nightmare.

When he arrived he realized it was an apartment building and he immediately knew what was happening. Magnus met him at the front door beaming. He kissed him quickly, too quickly for Alec to register it, and took his hand as he walked him up to the penthouse floor. It was there that Magnus used his magic to open up the doors, and Alec had to pretend to be shocked and not know what was happening. He had to listen through Magnus explain how it was HIS magic, so there was no risk of him rejecting it as he had done with Lorenzo’s. Put on his best smile as Magnus told him that the first thing he did after getting his magic back, was finding and buying this apartment, what he wanted to be their apartment.

As he handed Alec his pair of keys, he looked up and admired that smile that he loved so much, knowing this would be the last time he would see it. And then he could no longer hold up his façade. He put the keys down on the kitchen table that was next to them and his smile dropped from his face. Magnus looked at Alec worried, asking him what was wrong, and before he knew it the words came out of his mouth.

“I don't think I can do this anymore.” And the world stopped turning for a second. Alec wanted to stop, say _“just kidding”_ and kiss him hungrily and move in together and be married and be happy. But he didn’t get to do that. He would never get to have that. He had traded his happiness for Magnus’s. This was the way things were now. He lowered his head unable to look Magnus in the eyes and just waited for him to reply.

“Alec, look at me.” He pleaded. “Do what anymore?”

Alec looked up and saw the confused and hurt look on Magnus's face, but he ignored it. “This, us” he replied stoically.

Suddenly saying those words released a pressure on his chest that he didn’t even know was there. All these thoughts and insecurities started scrambling in his brain. Things that he had been feeling for a while now but was too scared to admit to. And with his emotions running high he no longer had the will to fight against them. No longer able to pretend he didn’t care, it all came pouring out of him.

“I’m so happy you have your magic back Magnus. But seeing what you've been going through, and seeing you now, I've realized that even if I were to lose my position as Head of the Institute, even if I were to be deruned, and exiled from the Clave, no longer allowed to be a Shadowhunter, I would still be okay. Not at first, obviously.

“But I would be okay because I would still have you. My love for you would be enough, **you** would be enough.”

He stopped to look at Magnus. “And I didn't want to see it before, but I do now. You don't feel the same way, love isn’t enough for you.”

He shrugged like it was no big deal, trying to mask the pain behind his voice, and not get choked up. He said it with no malice or judgment, but like it was just another fact about Magnus Bane.

“Alec you are...” Magnus started, but Alec knew he had to get through this, so he interrupted him raising his voice just a little.

“Magnus, this is the first time in **weeks** , hell since you first lost your magic, that I've seen you with a genuine smile on your face. And it isn’t because of what you feel for me, or how you feel about us. The **only** reason you’re smiling like that is because you have your magic back.”

"No, that's not..." Magnus started to protest.

Alec just walked closer, took Magnus's hands in his, and looked at him with what he knew to be a pained expression. His voice softened.

“You can't look me in the eyes and tell me that that’s not true. You yourself said that you didn't know if the emptiness you felt without your magic would ever go away. You said _‘maybe’_ when I asked you if your magic was worth dying for.”

Alec had to blink back the tears that threatened to fall before he could continue.

“And so what I've had to accept is that your **magic** is what is most important to you, not me. And that's okay, really. It makes sense. Your magic is the very essence of who you are. It's your purpose, what you think makes your life worth living.”

Magnus looked at him with sadness and guilt in his eyes. Alec could feel both of their hearts breaking at this point. And then his voice dropped to sound almost like a whisper but a little more broken.

"But Magnus, understand from my side. I wasn't even asking for you to be okay  **right away**." He separated those two words with such distinction.

“I was just asking that you try and believe that at  **some**  point in the future, you would be able to be happy with  **just**  me. But you couldn't do that. You couldn't even imagine  **ever**  being able to do that.”

Alec stopped to take a breath, “So it wouldn't have mattered how many times I said  _'I love you for who you are'_. Or how many times I held you, or tried to help you see that you would be alright, that you could be happy without your magic, it would have never been enough.” 

He glanced at the floor no longer able to look Magnus in the eyes. Then he looked up again.

“Especially now that you have your magic back. I would never.” He corrected himself. “I **will**  never be able to convince you of that. **I**  will never be enough for you.” He said sounding utterly defeated at this point.

“So it's okay that your magic is what's most important to you. But I can’t be in a relationship like that.”

Magnus understood where this was going and he knew there was no stopping it. He wanted to say, _"I love you." "You are more than enough." "We can work through this together."_ But the words were caught in his throat. Instead, he straightened his back and started to build up his walls again. He couldn’t handle this conversation anymore. He wanted Alec to just get it over with already. So he let go of his hands abruptly. “What are you saying, Alec?”

Alec felt his heart start to beat faster in his chest, his eyes fill to the brim with tears, and his lungs struggle to breathe. But he had to get through this. His raised his voice a little and hoped that that would make it easier to keep going.

“I'm saying that I can’t do this anymore. I can't go on knowing that me and us and any future, for however long a time we would have, won’t ever be what makes you truly, and completely happy. Knowing that if you didn’t have your magic right now you would still be in my bed, resenting me, never being able to look at me with the same smile and love that you used to. The way you looked at me just a few minutes ago. I can’t go on pretending that that doesn’t break me.”

Magnus just stared.

"I want more than anything to be with you, and love you with everything I have, and to be able to handle the fact that though you love me, I will always come second to your magic. But I don't deserve to live like that. I  _can't_  live like that.” A tear slipped down his cheek. “I need to know that I'm enough for someone.”

It was then that Alec quieted his voice again and kissed Magnus fiercely with everything he had. As he took Magnus's hands in his for the last time. "I will **always** love you, Magnus Bane. Shadowhunters only love once and they love fiercely. And you, you're it for me. No one else will ever compare. And I know you love me, trust me I know. But you were right, sometimes love just isn’t enough.”

Alec looked at the table, at the keys that Magnus had given him. The keys to the apartment that they should have been moving into together right now. Something he had wanted to do for god knows how long. He took a sharp inhale. The kind that feels like you’re sucking all your emotions back inside and locking them away. It was then that he knew that he had to leave **now** or he was going to take back everything he just said. He looked at Magnus again. He didn’t want to end things looking at keys on a table. He wanted to see the beautiful face of the love of his life. It was only a quick glance, however, before he turned around and walked away.

Stopping Alec just as he grabbed onto the handle to leave, Magnus broke his silence. He needed clear, indisputable, confirmation. “So this is it? This is the end of us?”

Alec stopped and turned around. He knew they were both holding back so much. But he also knew he couldn’t keep turning around. This was goodbye.

“Yes,” he answered. And he walked out. Shutting the door, and with it Magnus, behind him.

This was the second time that day that Alec had left a building feeling shaken to his core. He didn’t know how he was going to make it to the institute without breaking down. He knew that if he started running he would start to truly cry and didn’t know if he would be able to stop. So he activated his speed rune, and before he knew it, he was at the doors of the institute. All he wanted was to walk through the hallway without anyone stopping him for anything, let him go straight to his room. But he was the Head of the Institute, so of course, that wasn’t going to happen.

Some random young Shadowhunter stopped him and started to ask him a question. He didn’t even take a second to pretend to be able to listen, he just shouted.

“Do you need this **RIGHT** now?”

The kid backed up a little bit, and the entire institute turned to stare at him. But Alec ignored all the stares and the concerned looks and instead looked the kid straight in the eyes waiting for an answer. The kid quickly answered, “no, no.”

Alec forced out a disgruntled, “okay then” and pushed past him to get to the elevators to go up to his room.

Once he got on the elevator he had to hold on to the side to keep himself from falling. It felt like an eternity before it got to his floor. He got off and practically ran straight to his room, slamming the door behind him with his back, as he slid to the floor. Alec clutched his heart and allowed himself to feel his body break. Then the tears started falling, rapidly like a waterfall. He heard someone screaming out their sobs and it took him a second to realize it was him. And the floor shaking beneath him was just his body trembling.

He thought about taking out his stele to lock the door and put up a silencing rune so no one could hear him. He was still the Head of the Institute and couldn’t let anyone hear or see him like this. But as he went to, he realized he didn’t have the energy or strength to do anything except for cry. He kept screaming and crying feeling the full force of everything he had said to Magnus. Every emotion that overcame him from the fact that he just broke up with who was still the love of his life. He couldn’t stop, so he covered his face with his hands as if that could somehow hold in the breakdown that he knew was happening.

While on the floor he could feel something in his pocket that was digging into his leg. Alec reached in and realized he was still holding onto the ring he had planned on proposing to Magnus with just a few short weeks ago. His sobs started to quiet but the tears were still coming as he just stared at it. Alec missed him already. After a minute of staring, he realized that Magnus’s stuff was still in his room, so he got up to find that box. That stupid box that brought up all those insecurities of immortality, and finality and the end of them. Alec looked at the ring one last time before putting it in Magnus’s box of lost loves. Hoping that whenever Magnus ended up opening it, he would be able to know how much he truly loved him.

But he could never know why he broke up with him. That was part of Asmodeus’s conditions. And then the sobs started again, so he lied down, curled up and hugged Magnus’s pillow, or what was Magnus’s pillow. Holding onto the scent of sandalwood, he let his screams and cries silence the noises in his head.

***********

Izzy, Jace, and Clary were all at the Ops table staring at Alec as he yelled at the kid and stormed to the elevators. Izzy was the first who spoke up.

“What the hell was that?” she asked as if they would have any clue.

She turned to look at Jace who understood immediately that she was asking if he had felt anything from his Parabatai rune. He just shook his head. “Ever since Lake Lyn and the Owl, our parabatai bond is practically broken. I know he’s there, but I can't feel his emotions like I used to.”

Izzy just shook her head, she could feel it in her bones that whatever was going on with her brother was something big and started walking to the elevator to go and confront, or be there for her brother, she didn’t know which it would be. But before the doors closed, Jace and Clary slid into the elevator with her. They all looked at each other with a look in their eyes to show they were going to be there for him too. They stood side by side in the elevator, all ready and determined to help Alec. Izzy realized from looking at Clary that she had started to feel like Alec was family too. Maybe not like a brother, but she could see that Clary at least felt like Alec was important to her.

As Izzy, Jace, and Clary got off the elevator they could hear Alec's cries from down the hallway. And suddenly they were running full force into Alec’s room and whipping open the door. But all they found was Alec’s body curled up small, hands clutching Magnus’s pillow against his stomach, holding on for dear life.

Izzy and Jace just looked at each other remembering that the last time they had seen Alec looking this small was when he was a kid. When he cried at night struggling over everything that was in his head. Struggling over what they knew was the hate he had for himself over the fact that he looked at boys the way other boys looked at girls. It was a picture that they hadn’t seen since Alec kissed Magnus at his almost-wedding. It was then that they realized what happened. Alec barely lifted his head to look at them but didn’t have enough strength to keep it up before his head hit the pillow again. He didn’t even try to cover up the fact that he was crying, so he just kept going.

Slowly they all approached Alec and climbed into the bed holding him from all sides to let him know, and feel, that he wasn’t alone. Izzy climbed behind him, so she was "big spooning" him. She reached her right arm over to touch his heart, with her left arm squeezed between her and Alec, rubbing his back softly in small circles. Jace lied down in front of Alec, leaving the pillow between them, to let Alec keep holding it, as well as to give him a little space. He had his hand on Alec's arm squeezing just a little. Clary had cuddled up behind Jace and reached her hand across Jace to place it on Alec's arm as well. Alec just kept his hands to himself, still holding onto Magnus’s pillow.

Izzy could feel his pain emanating from his body, and her heart broke for him. The sound of him crying was the worst thing she had ever heard, it was gut-wrenching and devastating. She didn't think she could handle hearing it again. So she just kept holding him, and whispering “Shh, I've got you. I'm here for you.” Not forcing him to say anything until he was ready.

Her big brother. Who was usually so strong, who had never once let himself show anything he was feeling. She felt a little guilty because a part of her was glad that she could finally be there for him like he had been there for her multiple times before. That he was letting her see what he was going through. But mostly she couldn't bear to see him hurting and wished she could take it all away. She didn’t know who to hate, but she hated Magnus for making her brother hurt, even if it wasn’t his fault.

After a little bit, she heard him start to whisper something. “I can't hear you, Alec.” He then turned around to face her. She saw from his face, that he needed to be telling her this directly.

“I broke up with Magnus,” he said.

She looked at him confused. He had been planning to marry Magnus, what would cause him to break up with him? But she didn’t say anything, letting Alec talk at his own pace.

He then spoke very slowly, as if he needed to remember to breathe in between each word. “I went to Asmodeus to get Magnus his magic and immortality back. I couldn’t stand to see him broken like that anymore, I didn’t know what to do.” He sniffled, “but he would only do it if I broke up with Magnus. He told me to _‘break his heart to save his life._ ‘" Alec looked at her, and just shrugged, “So I did.”

“Oh, Alec” was all she could say. She then knew who to hate, Asmodeus, and that was easy to do. She knew how powerful Asmodeus was. But she was already trying to figure out a way to get around this, to get her brother and Magnus back together. And how to do that without facing the wrath of a Prince of Hell. But she couldn't say that to him right now.

Alec looked like he might start to cry again, so he took a minute to calm his breath. “All I've ever wanted was for him to be happy, and he was never going to be happy without his magic. And I thought breaking up with him would be the worst part. But the worst part was that when I was breaking up with him, real reasons started coming up. Insecurities and issues that I was struggling with. I didn’t have to find a bullshit reason, it turns out I already had real ones. And as it was happening, I felt relieved. Relieved that I was finally getting all that off my chest.”

She could only look at him with sadness in her eyes.

“I love him with everything I have Izzy. There is never going to be another person for me. But for him, I will always come second to his magic. And I didn’t realize that fully until I saw him have it back.”

She held his face, and rubbed her thumb against his cheek, “I'm so sorry Alec.”

“I wanted to marry him, Izzy. And the pathetic thing is that I still do. Even knowing that I would come second to his magic, I would rather come second, then not be in his life at all. If he’s happy with his magic, then we could be happy together too. But I can't even ask him to take me back, nor can I say yes if he were to ask for us to get back together. I literally made a deal with the devil Iz. What am I supposed to do now? Be miserable forever?”

She didn’t know how to answer. She had never been in love like he and Magnus were. And she couldn’t lie to her brother. So that’s what she told him. “I don't know Alec, I don't know.”

All she could do was go back to holding him. Alec nuzzled his head in her shoulder and put his arm around her, while Jace and Clary continued to rub his back. She looked up and made eye contact with Jace over Alec’s shoulder, and then she locked eyes with Clary. And without even talking she knew that they were going to do everything they could to figure out a way to get them back together. She also knew that she had to talk to Magnus. To have him work through everything Alec had told him. Because Alec was right, those were real problems that weren’t going to just go away.

She wasn’t going to go to Magnus right now though or try and figure out a solution right now either. Right now she was just going to hold Alec and let him cry and hurt and work through the heartache. Together, her, Jace and Clary were going to help Alec out however he needed them to. They were going to make sure that he wouldn’t fall apart completely. Make sure that he would keep going until they found a way to fix this, to make Alec happy again. And they were going to fix this. And they fell asleep like that. Holding Alec in their arms, with determination coursing through their veins and all the compassion and love that they could muster in their hearts.


End file.
